April 2, 2007

"I am Michelle's Hood"

If you're not familiar with Patriotboy, he's famous for his "letters." This one is addressed to the right-wing Islamophobe Michelle Malkin, who recently wrote an essay called "I am John Doe" in response to CAIR's lawsuit against US Airways and the Metropolitan Airports Commission in Minneapolis/St. Paul. You may recall that six imams were denied a flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix last November because they had the temerity to do their prayers. According to Malkin, the reason why the imams are filing the lawsuit is because they are "publicity-seeking." Malkin herself, who is a Filipina, is known for sucking up to redneck white folk by being anti-immigration, apparently not realizing that the same people whom she allies with would otherwise be persecuting her because of the color of her skin.

To Michelle, all I have to say is, "Go play with your ping-pong balls. You intimidate - and impress - no one."

Michelle Malkin
Our Lady of the Concentration Camps

Dear Mrs. Malkin,

Although I enjoyed your (Jesse's?) "I am John Doe" piece, I think you held back a little bit. I reworked it to make your point a little more clearly.

Dear traitorous Brownislamunistofascist, Homoislamunistofascist, Femislamunistofascist, Poorislamunistofascist, JehovahWitnessislamunististfascist, Hebrislamunistofascist, and/or Libislamunistofascist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am Michelle's hood.

I am tucked away in your neighbor's sock drawer, your boss's personnel files, and your Republican National Committee's campaign playbooks.

Talk radio hosts wear me in their studios. Columnists stroke my soft white cotton for inspiration. Pundits use me in lieu of viagra.

I'm part of the official uniform of the Washington Times and the unofficial uniform of the National Review, Fox News, and ABC Radio. Mickey Mouse wears me to Disney board meetings.

I am Marty Peretz's muse and Lou Dobbs's raison d’etre.

I am Michelle's hood.

My owners will never forget the shame they felt when a brown man was promoted over them, when a homosexual tricked them into arousal, when a feminist convinced their wives that they were equals.

They will never forget that Jews don't love Jesus, that Jehovahs Witnesses are cultists, that the poor are just lazy, and that liberals are traitors.

I am Michelle's hood.

I serve as a symbol of conservative values.

I motivate Republican voters.

I inspire Rush, O'Reilly, Hannity, and Michelle.

I am Michelle's hood.

I will be with those who racially profile.

I will be with those who torture.

I will be with those who spy on our citizens.

I will be with those who lynch homosexuals.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

I will not submit to your concepts of decency. I will not be intimidated.

I am Michelle's hood.

Well, that's it. I think it makes your point much more clearly. I hope you'll consider using it.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian patriot.

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